


Cups Of Tea In The Messhall

by anxiousgeek



Series: Five Evenings In The Messhall [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgeek/pseuds/anxiousgeek
Summary: The Chakotay POV to Five Evenings In The Messhall
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Five Evenings In The Messhall [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758220
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	Cups Of Tea In The Messhall

**Author's Note:**

> This took longer than expected.

Chakotay is staring into space. Literally he thinks, chuckling at the thought before sighing again. He’s been here every night for the past couple of weeks, mulling over the state of his life.

His love life.

Mostly he lets his tea go cold, stares out the viewport until around eight, before heading back to his quarters, no closer to answer than he was a few weeks ago when he decided to talk to Kathryn about their relationship. Of lack of.

He’s been trying to come to terms with the idea that Kathryn doesn’t love him after all but it’s a heartbreaking revelation and he’s not sure he really has the fortitude to handle it right now. Maybe in a few months, but with New Earth not too far away and Seska’s continued betrayal and subsequent death so recent, right now he can’t handle it. It feels like he’s been scoured on the inside and even as he thinks it he rubs his chest where his heart is.

Any more and he’s going to wear a hole in his jacket.

He could pretend, pretend Kathryn did love him, that the regs did prevent her from having a relationship with him but the best he can really do is stare into space and think about it.

For a little while at least, it’s almost eight and Kathryn will be walking through the door for a cup of Neelix’s better than coffee coffee substitute. Or her evening coffee, as she likes to call it. She’s become used to the taste, and the caffeine content is lower so it’s good enough for the evenings.  
  
  


Not that she sleeps much anyway. He always thought her insomnia was related to being Captain, but now he’s not sure. He wonders how long it will take to stop thinking about her. About their time on that planet together.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mike leaving the mess hall. He takes a large gulp of his cold tea and stands, nodding to Tuvok behind him as he turns to leave.

* * *

  
  


There’s a cup of tea in front of him. He can smell it, first, then he looks around and sees Mike, sitting next to him, a cup of tea in his hand and another on the table. He pulls it towards him. “Hey Mike, thanks.”

Mike simply nods and takes a sip of the tea.  
  
“You want to talk about her?”

Chakotay pauses before answering because he knows where this is going.  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Janeway.”  
  
Chakotay doesn’t answer but does glower at him, he can’t help it, it’s instinct at the moment. He doesn’t want to think about her, why would he want to talk about her. The expression doesn’t last though, and he sighs and relaxes into his chair to better face the other man.  
  
“You’re in love with her.”  
  
Chakotay goes to deny it, another instinct and he opens his mouth but Mike frowns.  
  
“Yeah,” he says instead. It almost feels good to admit it.  
  
“What’s the problem then?” he asks. “Does she not feel the same?”  
  
He’s been asking himself the same question for months now and doesn’t reply right away. Instead, Chakotay glances back out of the viewport, at his tea, back at Mike and sighs again.  
  
“I don’t know. I thought she did. On New Ear- the planet, we were getting close, but...” he trails off, not really sure himself. “I guess not.”  
  
“What did she tell you?”  
  
“Regulations,” he says with a harsh laugh that he hasn’t heard from himself in some time now. He doesn’t like it. “But I’m starting to think that’s just a convenient excuse. A way to let me down gently.”  
  
He doesn’t think Mike really believes him but it’s the best Chakotay’s got to explain it all. As much as it hurts. But it’s none of Mike’s business and he’s hoping that eventually, he’ll believe it himself.  
  
“Doesn’t sound like Janeway,” Mike says finally. “She’s pretty direct.”  
  
“Not when it comes to her feelings,” he replies, “I discovered that very early on.”  
  
“Have you actually told her how you feel?” Mike is fishing, but they both know it but Chakotay lets him in a little anyway. Someone else has to know.  
  
“Yeah. Sort of.”  
  
“Sort of?” Mike raises an eyebrow.  
  
“I told her a story.”  
  
Mike laughs.  
  
“You and your fucking stories,” he says and Chakotay smiles, then, a glance at the clock tells him he needs to get a move on.  
  
“If she doesn’t feel the same, it doesn’t really matter what I tell her.” He finishes his tea and stands before Mike can reply. “Thanks for the talk.”  
  
He leaves and heads straight for his quarters. He’s avoiding her, avoiding Mike too now, but it’s for the best. At least he hopes so. The subtle ache in his chest suggests otherwise.

* * *

He sees Mike the next night, sees him walk in this time instead of just appearing in the room. He gestures to the seat opposite but Mike shakes his head and looks over at Tuvok who’s sitting at a table a little further away. Most people would consider their friendship somewhat odd, but Chakotay knows Mike pretty well, knows him well enough to see how the two men would get along.

He’s pleased, it’s a testimony to the work he and Kathryn have done over the past two years to merge the two crews.

The thought of Kathryn brings the ache back, subtle but there.

They’re managing to work together quite well during the day, he can ignore the ache and the attraction and the look on her face whenever their eyes meet. He’s doing fine, he realises, working next to her.

It gives him hope that he can move on. He’s pretty sure he can, I mean he’s been in love before and had to continue to work with the object of his affections. He’s not the most emotionally practical people, he knows that, but he can feel the shift and he’s hopeful if nothing else and half the ship are lining up to fuck him if B'Elanna is to be believed.

It’s a good start.

He stares at his tea for a while, mulling it over until it’s cold and time to go home. He passes Ensign Barra, and gives her smile, enjoying the slight blush on her face.

He can do this.

* * *

He’s feeling better today. It’s getting easier to look Kathryn in the eye and he’s hoping that by time the crew gathers together for their next moral boosting party (or whatever excuse they come up with) he’ll be able to spend some time with her off duty and work on being her friend again. He’s already contemplating who he could take when Tabor gets his attention then sits down next to him.  
  
“How can I help?”  
  
Tab looks a little nervous almost but smiles at him anyway.  
  
“I need some information about some regulations,” he says. “Some of the regulations about relationships.”  
  
If Chakotay didn’t know better he would swear Tabor is blushing, just a little. He doesn’t need to be embarrassed though, Chakotay has known him for years. He curious though, cause Tab has never really been interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone for as long as he’s known him.

  
“Relationships?” Chakotay asks, raising an eyebrow. Tab tries not to panic.  
  
“I tried looking on the computer but there are so many subsections, and addendum and, the computer was not helpful when I asked.”  
  
“What are you trying to find out?” Chakotay asks. Tab takes a deep breath.  
  
“If I can ask Olandra out,” he hisses, keeping his head down as he says. “I’m a higher rank and I heard I can’t ask lower ranks out but I can’t find a loophole.” Chakotay stares at him, so he continues, “I figured you were Starfleet, you would know.”  
  
“You can’t ask a lower rank out?” Chakotay asks, not quite believing it but at the same time, not really being sure either way.  
  
“No, that one the computer was fucking clear on.”

He’s surprised by Tab’s language, the venom, It’s a tone he’s not heard from the man in years and wonders how many of them are experiencing the same upsurge in anger from Seska’s betrayal. He had no idea he felt so strongly about Olandra. Then what Tabor just told him finally infiltrates his mind  
  
“I didn’t realise...” Chakotay doesn’t finish his sentence because he can't finish his thought because maybe, just maybe, Kathryn wasn’t making excuses. He manages to focus enough on the man in front of him. “What, you want to ask Olandra out?”  
  


Tabor ducks his down a little, closer to him and lowers his voice.  
  
“You won’t say anything right?”  
  
“Of course not,” Chakotay replies, matching his tone to Tabor’s low whisper. “Let me see what I can find out okay?”  
  
Tab nods, smiling now.  
  
“Thanks, boss,” he says, “I knew I could count on you.” He downs his tea, face crumpling at the tepid liquid, before standing up. “Let me know what you find out.”  
  
Chakotay is slightly thrown by the sudden departure but has bigger things to think about.

Like talking to Kathryn.

Now.

He’s at her quarters when he realises he’s not entirely sure what the regulations say.

He doesn’t really get a chance to do anything about that fact when her door slides open and she’s standing there in front of him.

“Cha-Commander,” she manages. “Can I help you?”

He looks at her, unable to answer for a moment and when she moves to push past him he finally speaks.

“We need to talk,” he says, and she frowns but lets him inside anyway. Once in, she gestures to the sofa but they both remain standing. He flounders for a second, the look on her face, a little guarded and unsure, somewhat off-putting. Just a few months ago she was happy and carefree.

“You can’t ask me out,” he says, flatly, “can you? You can’t instigate anything, start anything.”

She’s struck dumb, hands frozen in front of her but she’s still looking at him, still connected to him. She finally shakes her head, he remembers the conversation they had when they returned from New Earth vividly. His simple reaffirming of his story which he had so assumed told her everything hadn’t been enough. He realises that now. Just by saying those words still stood, that the story didn’t change because the location did, didn’t mean. So he continues.

“And I haven’t been clear enough in my intentions have I? I need to be explicit.”

She nods this time but still doesn’t speak because he has to make the move.

So he does, sweeping her into his arms and kissing her. She gasps, but he doesn’t take opportunity to press any further, keeping his kiss as chaste as he can even as she’s pressed against him. He pulls back and smiles, she’s flushed, across her cheeks and down into her uniform, eyes still closed. There is a hint of bliss on her face, something he can’t wait to see magnified.

“Explicit enough?” he asks and she opens her eyes and smirks.

“Much more, yes,” she sounds breathless but he could just be hearing things.

“It really was just the regulations?”

He hates doubting her but again, he’s not overly practical when it comes to his emotions but that doesn’t mean he can’t start.

“Yes.”

Her voice is almost too low for him to hear, but he catches the word and the little smile on her face is enough to confirm it. They need to talk some more, he knows, there’s still a lot to be said between them. He kisses her instead because they have the next seventy years to talk and he really thinks they’ve already wasted enough time with words.

Kathryn doesn’t seem to disagree as he bends to kiss her again, a little deeper this time, learning the feel of her, the taste of her and he’s an idiot.

He smirks and she pulls away.

“What?” she asks, grinning, face flushed. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” he says, “I’m an idiot, that’s all.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” she tells him, cupping his cheek. “And I wouldn’t let anyone else say that either.”

He could tell her, he could tell her he loves her and she would accept it, easily, but it feels too soon, too much even though she obviously feels the same. Maybe she has this whole time.

“Now what?” he asks finally and she smiles again, has really stopped smiling since he kissed her.

“Let’s have a cup of tea,” she tells him, pulling him over to the sofa.

* * *

The next evening and he’s back in his usual spot but it feels different now.

There is no more melancholy staring into space. Just waiting, but there isn’t tension to it. He knows she’s coming. They couldn’t have dinner – they both had plans already in place. He would’ve broken his, B'Elanna would've understood but she needed to spend some time with Naomi and he was loathe to take her away from that.

So, tea in the mess hall.

They hadn’t planned any further than that and that’s where his tension comes in because they hadn’t talked much last night, just sat and drank tea and then she dozed off in his arms while he contemplated what he did actually want to say to her.

Or to hear her say.

He should’ve been even more explicit, he thinks, now. Should’ve woken her to talk, instead of waking her to send her to bed.

Alone.

He was an idiot.

Still, he’s sure she’s coming because where would she go if she decided to back out. They’ve started something now, acknowledged it and he was sure of her intentions now, her reasons but not her exact feelings.

It’s okay, he tries to tell himself, but the seconds creep by until the mess hall doors open and Tabor walks in, nods and slips into a seat next to Tuvok and Mike. Chakotay knows there is still a conversation to be had there, with each of them, but he has other priorities right now. He fetches another cup of tea and waits.

Just after eight, she walks in, stopping short when she sees him. He smiles and she shrugs slightly, more to herself he thinks and smiling back, turning to the replicator. With two mugs she takes the seat next to him, close to him, their hips and thighs pressed together.

“My usual blend,” he says.

“My usual seat,” she replies and he chuckles.

“Mine too,” he hesitates. “We didn’t talk last night,” he says.

“Do we need to?” she asks, passing him his mug. Their fingers brush and she smiles, taking his hand in hers and threads their fingers together. He smiles, resists the urge to kiss her, here in front of everyone before they’ve talked about being public and squeezes her hand.

“I guess not.”

**Author's Note:**

> Janeway version?


End file.
